Suffering & Gratitude

In coaching conversations, a leader’s presenting issues (and those that later unfold) may be accompanied in subtle or obvious ways by the denser emotions of anger, sadness, and fear that represent one form or another of suffering.

Although the tendency of the leader may be to discount or push quickly past the emotions and suffering, it is territory rich with meaning, insight, and data – and a connecting point where surface stories may connect with larger hidden stories. Here are some questions that help explore and mine the denser emotional openings.

• “What were you doing and who you were being that contributed to that anger/fear/sadness?”
• “Does that anger/fear/sadness remind you of anything similar from your past?”
• If the emotion was or is anger: “What did you feel was violated, taken, overlooked, or harmed?”
• If the emotion was or is fear: “What did you fear might be violated, taken, overlooked, or harmed?”
• If the emotion was or is sadness: “What did you lose? What does that mean to you? How can you deal with that loss?”
• “Were you able to express your emotions to the other person? What might have happened if you had – or if you were able to do so in the future?”
• “What’s lost – to you and others – by not expressing your feelings in an authentic way?”
• “Is this emotion important enough for you to share with the other person in order to ‘clear’ this blockage within you or between you?”

Conversely, in your conversation with a leader you may hear an opening around the lighter emotions of gratitude, where the leader is grateful about something, feels a deep sense of joy or accomplishment, fullness, or a moment of grace. Those emotions are valuable for revealing and reinforcing the generative and healing forces within the leader.

As with the denser emotions, the tendency might be to skip over these openings as well, yet they too offer opportunities for a meaningful savoring of the physical, emotional, cognitive, and spiritual experiences that accompany gratitude. Here are some questions that help explore and mine the lighter emotional openings.

• “What was so emotionally satisfying or meaningful to you about that experience?”
• “What were you doing and who you were being that contributed to that emotionally rich experience?”
• “What insights did you have and what did you learn about yourself and others?”
• “When might you need to recall that moment in the future and how might you call it forth?”
• ”Were there any broader insights that you took away from that experience?”
• “Did you share your feelings of gratitude with the other person/s?”
• “What impact did that have? Is there anything else you might have said or done that would’ve been meaningful to both you and the other person?”

Taking time with exploring emotions anchors a leader’s awareness of the high points that will help counter-balance the rough times. And it helps him or her to feel the architecture and anatomy of their being – to have another snapshot of their essence and the arc of their spirit.